if we're together (we can be a little happier)
by MoonlightSins
Summary: Sometimes Sawamura wonders if the team will be better without him. If Miyuki will be better without him and his stupid crush. He wonders if he's really an important part of the team being always the shadow behind everyone. He wonders what would be to live in a world where Seidou doesn't have him. He wonders how his wish did come truth.


"I like you, Miyuki Kazuya!"

Sawamura stands in the middle of the alley, both fists clenched by his side so hard his knuckles are going white. His posture is stiff, his shoulders are tense, just like the rest of his whole body. He feels his face going impossibly red, from the tip of his ears all the way till his collarbones.

Yet, his chest feels weightless.

Miyuki is standing in front of him. His usually calm and composed figure is long gone by now. His glasses rest by the tip of his nose. He's scratching the back of his neck, uncomfortable. He sighs and diverts his eyes from Sawamura's. He looks unsure and for a first time, he looks like he doesn't know what to say.

He's not surprised.

 _Nor happy._

The weight in Sawamura's chest comes back at the sight. He opens his mouth to say something but Miyuki clears his throat before he can say a word.

"Sawamura, ehm... You know I don't—," Miyuki starts but soon trails off.

Sawamura clenches his fists harder.

Miyuki doesn't need to finish the sentence because Sawamura knows what he was going to say. _"I don't like you like you do."_

The weight is unbearable by now.

He curses mentally.

He is now standing in front of Miyuki, alone together in the middle of the alley between the dorms and the public bathrooms. Everyone is tucked on theirs beds having sweet dreams while the two of them are standing there in a chilly night at an alley in an awkward silence.

An awkward situation.

Sawamura shouldn't feel like that. Like his whole heart has been shattered in millions of billions of pieces. He knows he shouldn't because he has not right. All this time, he was aware that the catcher didn't like him. Probably as a teammate, but not even as a friend. Unlike everyone else thinks, Sawamura is very perceptive, he could easily tell the catcher wasn't in love with him.

Not in the way Sawamura wanted.

And he couldn't blame him.

Who would like someone like him anyway?

He is just a nosy boy from the countryside living in Tokyo.

Fucking up everything in the best way possible.

That was the only thing he was good at.

* * *

The week he realized he was in love with Miyuki Kazuya was the same week they had the Nationals.

That was his first and biggest mistake.

His second mistake was at the Nationals. In a match. His teammates were worried about him all the time, he's been sulking the whole week after realizing his feeling for the catcher. He doesn't know what to do more than avoid the elder, and the rest of the team along with him. He couldn't stand they see him blush every time Miyuki was in the same room.

At the time of the match, he can feel the worried looks of the team in his back as he missed the spot for the fourth time and gives his second walk of the match. He can feel the sympathetic looks too, they must think he's terrified of playing in a National Arena when he's actually terrified of the boy standing in front of him trying to calm him down.

He can't look at him without his heartbeat going crazy, his ears read and his legs wobbly.

He knows it's not bad to be in love.

But right now, it feels like the worst thing it could ever happened to him.

* * *

After the losing the Nationals, once they were back at the dorms, Haruichi will usually remind him it wasn't his fault. He will reassure him and explain it was ok, everyone made mistakes that day. The pink haired boy will remind him to not pay attention to the comments of the people who usually passed

Haruichi will usually tell him and remind him it wasn't his fault. That he should not hear the comments of anyone who passes by to watch their training sessions and believe them. He knew Haruichi was right but, he couldn't avoid listening nor believing them because after all they were true.

" _If the southpaw didn't play that day, we could have go to the semi-finals! Even won the Nationals!"_

" _It's not the first time he messes up in match!"_

" _He should be back of the first string!"_

" _With a monster like Furuya on the team, we don't need to have a pitcher that can't follow the catcher's instructions."_

That was everything he'll hear every day and he wouldn't blame them. He'll just throw himself into more training, hoping his mind drift away from a certain person.

It doesn't.

* * *

Back in the Nationals, even when the coach and the newspaper said it was a miscalculation of the catcher, if he hadn't make those awful pitches before getting switch with Furuya, then they may have won the game. And those awful pitches happened because, the same week was the time when Sawamura realized he was in love with Miyuki and couldn't stand stare him without getting nervous. The pitcher kept locking his eyes with him, ask him if he was ok, trying to help; but Sawamura just couldn't. Miyuki was doing his job perfectly, as always and Sawamura fuck it up.

Just because he was hyperaware of his feelings.

Just because he was in love.

And he let that affected his pitching, making the team lost. A National match.

He knew his teammates where angry at him. He could see the disappointment in their faces when he came back to the dugout, when he came back to school, when he came back to pitching and couldn't stand practice with Miyuki without getting flustered.

Sawamura was disappointed too.

He couldn't believe it himself.

Haruichi was worried about him. Eijun did thought about telling him everything that's happening by his mind and his heart right now, but he couldn't stand to have Haruichi dealing with his problems too. Hence every time Haruichi asked him if everything was alright he'll answer with a bright smile and a big yes.

Then he'll go and sit alone in a room where no one was expecting him to smile.

So what? Sawamura Eijun, the sunshine boy also had his inner demons. Probably had to fight with more demons than anyone else, but yet he managed to smile when he was around his teammates. Because he doesn't want to be a burden.

Everything changes when he's alone. Then he'll cry until he has no more tears, wondering how he can improve, wondering if one day, someday he'll be able to surpass Furuya, wondering if someday he'll be able to be the ace, to at least be recognized as anything.

He concludes, after trying and trying and practicing till dead every day, that he won't.

* * *

He looks straight at Miyuki, standing across him at the other side of the alley, the moon being their only light right now. It have been three months since the Nationals.

He had been avoiding Miyuki since then.

Until today, when the elder say he couldn't take it anymore and it was his duty as captain to set the younger's mind back in track again. Sawamura refused at first but then he thought… this might be the best.

He decided to stop bottling everything up.

Bottling the fact he was a failure.

Bottling the fact the team doesn't need him.

Bottling the fact he was in love with Miyuki Kazuya.

He decided to confess and maybe that way he could be back to pitching. Maybe he wouldn't be avoiding him like he had been for the past months and maybe he could move on.

He was wrong.

He wasn't surprised when he fails and Miyuki just stands there uncomfortable.

Apparently, it's the only thing he's been good at for the past months.

"I'm–," Miyuki mutters and Sawamura doesn't misses the way Miyuki's eyes look everywhere but him. The unpleasant feeling inside him grows, "Sorry, I can't answer to that."

They stay in silence for what seems like ages until Sawamura mumbles softly, surprisingly calm. His fits gone.

"Sometimes, I really wonder if I deserve to be here. I wonder if you'll be better without me here."

"Sawamura, what are you–?"

"I'm not that important in the team anyway, am I wrong?" Sawamura

"What are you saying? Hey, Sawamu–," he's interrupted again.

"I'm saying I'm not that important to the team, right?!" Sawamura yells, "I'm just a burden to the team, to Haruichi, and now to you too! I can't pitch because I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU WITHOUT FEELING BUTTERFLIES IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH! AND I CAN'T GET RIDE OF THE FEELING! We have lost every match I pitch in since then, so tell me Miyuki Kazuya, I'm not a burden to you or to anyone anymore? Tell me I'm wrong, but I don't think you can because I'm not. All I've said is right."

There's a small pause where no one talks, no one knows exactly what to say until Sawamura mumbles softly, he can't barely hear him.

" _Tell me otherwise, Miyuki Kazuya."_

Miyuki is unable to respond. Probably because he's surprised. Probably because he will make things worse if he talks. He's never seen the boy like this before. He was the boy who always smile and now his smile was long gone.

Sawamura smiles but it doesn't reaches his eyes. Miyuki doesn't know what to do when the younger speaks.

"It's ok. It's ok… I know you can't answer and I…" Sawamura smiles again, and gulps, "And I… I don't want to be a burden anymore." He says.

And then he runs.

He runs, he doesn't know where his legs are taking him. Nor that he really cares. He's only aware he's not in the dorms anymore when he starts to see the buildings and lights of Tokyo around him. It's late in the night and the streets still have people. He hears Miyuki calling his name from behind.

He runs faster.

Miyuki's voice is closer now and Sawamura only wants to go away. He doesn't want to be around them anymore. He can't be around them anymore, not when he just messed up everything. He's lost. There's no more people around him and he wonders where he is.

His lungs are burning, his legs are screaming in pain, his head is throbbing but the worst pain is in his heart.

He hoped Miyuki answered he was important.

He hoped Miyuki told him he wasn't a burden.

He hoped Miyuki loved him back.

But Miyuki didn't do any of these and Sawamura started to hate him for that.

"Sawamura!" he hears Miyuki calling him loud and clear getting closer to where he is, and Sawamura panics, the last thing he wants is seeing Miyuki right now, when he's a mess of tears and emotions. So he runs again.

He doesn't see the truck until it's too late.

He is barely aware of what's happening around him, he doesn't try to get away from it either way. He closes his eyes and just wishes to go away from here, to a place where his heart isn't broken.

Then he realizes what will happen when the truck hits him. He opens his eyes violently again and the last thing he sees is Miyuki trying to get him out of the way and yelling his name.

Then everything goes white.

* * *

He was expecting that moment was the moment when his life ended along with all the pain.

He really doesn't expects to wake up unharmed, fine and without even a small bruise from the accident he had.

Being alive after being hit by that truck, is a big surprise.

Not as big as the surprise he took when he realized where this place was and what was it.

* * *

 **Final Notes:** Am I trash? You bet I am. I was listening to NCT's Without You and it hit me really hard and here we are. Miyusawa angst because I'm sad so you be sad too.

Jk, the song is beautiful. My sons are beautiful. And I hope this fic is also beautiful.

I know Sawamura is a bit depressed but you know, character development.

Side note: BTS is coming back, releases two full albums this year... but when is Daiya S3 coming back uh?

I'm posting this here but you can follow more quickly updates and etc. etc. in my ao3


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